When your heart breaks
so hard
that even when everything you wanted is
right here, right now
smiling at you

all you have to do is to
speak the word
yet
you remain mute
and smile weakly

In that moment
enlightenment has struck
gone, gone, gone beyond

You have become a Broken Buddha
A shadow imitation of the real thing
yet
you are beyond despair
beyond hope
totally here and now
in a sad, sad way
I don’t envy you and you don’t envy me

Is this a necessary step on the path
or some horrible wrong turn
Wheels in deep mud
we get out of the vehicle
and step into
Quicksand, oh

God

A naked pagan 
dancing with the sky
I am alien in your world

Your houses, factories, TV sets
It is difficult for me to understand
how can you live this way?
but you do

I need trees, grass, sky
Rushing rivers and willing consorts
fresh strawberries picked from the ground

You tell me of vaccines, hospitals,
guaranteed food supply
heat in the winter

Yes, these are good things
when enjoyed properly
but why give up

the joy of feeling
the sun on your heart
the waves on your flesh
trances
the companionship of spirit

Why do you seem to lack
joy,contentment,fulfillment
serenity, and
integrity

You sell yourself to the highest bidder and
live in fear of not selling yourself
Why can you not find a way to have it all

If this technology is so wonderful
why are so many unhappy
sick at heart
filled with all manner of diseased emotions and
homeless in the streets

I don’t understand

The gifts I offer
you think worthless

I offer the sand, the sea
the earth, the sky
compassion
and deep feelings

What you want from me is to be a robot
For that I may earn enough to buy food and pay rent
since you have set a price on every inch of the earth
by what right do you control this land

I don’t understand
but, after all
I am only

A naked pagan

Renewal

Dipping my bucket
into the sacred well of power
I am renewed

The sound of a woman having an orgasm
what a pleasant sound!

When I lived in the campground I could hear that sound a lot but
here in the city
not so much

Maybe the walls block out the sound but
I think that people in cities just don’t fuck as much
or else they do it quietly
so nobody will hear
but out in the open
the sound traveled and
could be heard a lot!

What a pleasant sound!

Man of Substance

I am a man of substance

I’m not fat
I don’t have much money
but
if you were to weigh and measure my experiences
you would see

2000 pounds
vast as the sky
filling out my vest
like the great ball of the earth

I count my wealth in
the people I have met
the skies I have seen
the songs I have sung
the souls I have loved
the feelings I have felt
the skin I have touched

This, to me, is my wealth
and i cherish it

Amin

On a Mountain

I’m on a mountain
Looking at another mountain

I want to get there, the only problem is

There’s an ocean in between
and a desert
and a million miles of wheat fields
but even so

I still want to get to that other mountain
Now
Not in one hundred years
and I will

if it is God’s will
my name is Mohammed
I am a simple man
It’s just me
and the mountain
Why do I want to get there?

Because there are people there who need to hear my voice
and they will only hear it
if I am on the other mountain

Why my voice? Why this urgency?
I don’t know
perhaps it resonates at some special frequency
but for whatever the reason

God commands me and
his/her/it’s will be done

Amin

Water

I am water
how can you hold me?
The tighter you squeeze your grip
the more I slip through your fingers
A cupped hand, upturned
will let you enjoy me
a little bit, or
better yet
Dive into me
Feel me surround you
embrace you
caress you
as you slide-glide through me

Feel me touching and stroking every inch of your body
I am you
90% of you
You are me
given form by skin and boned
but still

mostly water
I am soft
Supple

Yet in time I erode the densest rock known to man
I am humble
and always seek low places

I quench fire
and fill up air
You are me and I am you

We are eternal

Amin

Looking Back

Looking back on my life through the filter of who I am now
What was it really like?

How did I feel then
how do I feel now
How long do these feelings last
or
is it all

as it was
as it shall be
world without end

Amin

What will make me acceptable to myself, to you

If I produce, do a lot, keep busy, make money
If I’m active, and, of course
cheerful and happy
Then do I get the Good Housekeeping Seal of Approval?

What if I’m moody?
What if much of my time is quiet time?
What if most of my life is lived on the inside,
not a lot of external activity
just a lot of lying in bed
reading, thinking, feeling
What if money and I are not well acquainted
and outside money is needed

Does this make me worthless, a bum, useless to society,
not fit to walk the earth?

What makes me "worthy", and
will your opinion make one bit of goddamn difference
in the taste of my spaghetti sauce

or is it my opinion
which I too much base on what I believe to be your opinion
which is important

Harbin-May 97

parts A and B

There’s a shadow and the land
and it’s growing larger and darker

Please be quiet
Please don’t play music
or sing
except in the garden, and even there
keep it down

Construction noises are allowed
and can be heard
everywhere

Chainsaws, hammers, bulldozers
all welcome

Music, guitars
not welcome

The warm pool at night
bright lights, security surveillance
Please be quiet
Shush

The Fern kitchen supply cabinet is now locked
In the garden picking without asking is stealing

Please be quiet and give Harbin all the
money, time, and energy
that you can
and if you’re a resident
or a long term guest
please don’t stay too long

please feel free to have fun
Quietly
please don’t laugh too loud
or let yourself go too out of control
please be quiet
and pay

Needless to say,
children are not welcome to be children
although they are welcome as long as they keep quiet
and pay

Legal fictions
Cash Consciousness Church
The Religious Order of Tax Evasion

Am I angry?
Yes
Am I sad?
Yes
Do I know that I really need to be someplace else?
Yes
Am I at peace with the situation?
Yes

This book is finished

Amin

People think that caves are dark
this cave is sunny
Grass grows tall, purple flowers bloom
the sound of a stream
not far away, a path leads off, going
who knows where?
Morning birds sing, speaking their own language, saying
who knows what?

Yes, it is cold at night
Many furs are required to keep warm
The fur of acceptance
the fur of solitude
the fur of self appreciation
the fur of being

Caves are for hibernation
for withdrawal from the world
One goes in one’s cave at the appropriate season
One comes out renewed
refreshed
reborn

May Allah bless our caves and our stays in them

Amin

Embraced by waves

the ocean inside me

tides of the moon

an ocean of light

Embraced by the wave

swaying softly

waters moving

my body possessed

Feeling the feelings

Embracing the waves

Oceans of waters

Inside my body

I am the waters

Standing and walking

Singing and talking

Dancing

I am wave itself

I am wave itself

On the border between dark and light

One foot is Shadow, the other in sunlight  

Is being a poet any more worthwhile than being a butcher?

Probably not

The butcher at least brings meat home to his family

The poet may very well be a vegetarian

and single

Poets are sloppy

lazy

difficult

real pains in the ass

why bother with them?

Self centered

Self indulgent

What is it that makes poets attractive

at least to some people

What multi colored light

or strange prismed reflection

What perspective

or ordering of words

dredging up of inner knowledge

or external perception

causes those who know poets

to put up with their shit?

I don’t know

but there must be something

Or is it?

Losing the handle of my life

Yes, no, maybe, right, wrong, know, don’t know

Adrift on the ocean

Up the creek

Which way is north?

Is there some continuity to this existence

or is it a series of slides

snapshots

separate moments

A walk here

a talk there

an abyss with(out) an end

Rock bottom, cloud sky

What a dream!

Does it matter what we do

or don’t do

feel

or don’t feel

see

or don’t see

are

or are not

Are we not

what?

what?

It’s just a feeling that I’m looking for

It’s here, it’s gone

Can’t hold it, can’t keep it, can’t lose it

Lose what?

The air from our lungs

the air is never lost

but it does change

and our lungs

dust one day

Nothing is real

Or is it?

Fighting to hold back the darkness

the darkness inside of me

at war with myself

how can you go through a whole life

at war with yourself

it’s not a happy way to live

What to do?

The sages say acceptance is the key

Accept what?

this darkness I have inside of me?

I don/t want to feel like I’m living my whole life inside a shadow

inside a dark cloud

inside a black ball of nothingness

although it’s not nothingness

and I’d probably be better off if it were

but it’s not

it’s something

My own darkness

Welcome to the Club

Binge

Purge

binge

purge

Eat

shit

eat

shit

drink

puke

drink

puke

fuck

guilt

fuck

guilt

Oh God, how can I do this to myself:

Oh God, What a relief to get all those poisons out

Is this you?

Welcome to the club, there are a lot of us

You’re not alone

What goes up

must come down

and go up again

and down again

Is this your life?

Welcome to the club

Perseverance

Fighting this battle every day, I’m so tired

Exhaustion is my constant companion, but

so is strength

truth

perseverance

This stone wall

I must get through

I do not have the strength to break it down, but

every day I chip away a little piece

Erosion times one million, and even now

I see deep gouges

glimpses of the outside

Sometimes I can almost get my arm through and feel

the soft, long, deep, green grass

of the other side

Day by day

hour by hour

I am getting there

Nothing can stop me

Amin

Stuffing

Stuffing my feelings

Munch munch munch

stuff stuff stuff

Maybe if my gut aches from fullness

it will cover up the other ache

Stuffing my feelings

Munch munch munch

stuff stuff stuff

Mommy, feed me

Food shows I am loved

doesn’t it?

There’s a place in my belly that

when it’s empty

I’m empty

Not a physical place

an energy place

where my vital force is stored

Dear Hara,

You are the furnace

the fire in the belly

the bank of chi

and you like it better

when there is not a great, bloated mass

and undigested and perhaps even undigestable

stuff

pressing in on you

pollution

but maybe,

just maybe

Feeling my chi is what I am afraid of

Ode to a Spider

Yes

My name is abundance

I come bearing many gifts

Open your arms

stretch out your hands

open your heart

Eat, drink

experience wonderful orgasms

feel great joy, great peace

receive, receive, receive

Please don’t be afraid or ashamed to accept my gifts

They are well meant

There are no strings attached

No price to pay

I am the earth, the sky, the water

I love you

I love giving to you

My joy is in giving

It is in giving that I receive

so make me happy

receive my gifts

You

are a great cocksucker

You told me that

now I know it’s true

You

are a great cocksucker

because

you love to suck cock

My cock felt

loved, worshipped, admired, cherished

because I felt

loved, worshipped, admired, cherished

The truth is

you

are a lover

and a great cocksucker

orally, genitally, anally,

and any other ways we can think of

so if we’re at your place, have some food around

Waiting

Twelve

After standing in line for twelve years

singing, dancing, chanting, meditating

finally, the moment arrives

one approaches the source, the Godhead

bows, kneels, prays, worships

the Godhead incarnation smiles

takes you in her arms

whispers in your ear

anoints you with love

Go, thou, and do likewise

See every being as me

every being as yourself

God and self are one

Sing, chant, dance, pray, meditate

live life to the fullest

push the limits of love

as far as they will go

and farther

Love yourself, love me, love all beings

Be happy

be joyous

and laugh a lot

and laugh a lot!

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